Transportation woes... solved.

For all of those out there who are suffering from sleepless nights and trying desperately to find the perfect Christmas gift for me, look no further! (Lyndsay--credit to you for this spectacular find.)

I am sure many of you are aware of my amazing sense of direction. On more than one occasion, I have stopped somewhere along a four-way intersection to get gas, and found myself lost as I exited the gas station. As a direct result of that phenomenon, I have also flipped many an illegal u-turn in my day. That aside, I am a firm believer that if I move at a slightly slower rate of speed, chances are good that I'll be able to orient myself better and develop a better sense of direction.

Enter: The Bicycle Forest Treadmill Bike [Deluxe]

I know what you're thinking... a treadmill? PLUS a bike? Yes, my friends. This invention really is THAT good. Amazingly enough, the rugged design of this Bicycle Forest allows me to "bike" through evergreen forests and along country roads. While my commute in the snow, on an interstate highway, and up steep hills that cut around mountains might be slightly more taxing than the evergreen forests contemplated by this bike's design, I am confident that this invention will make the perfect commuting vehicle. Additionally, as the video states, the Bicycle Forest also allows me to be outside in nature, while still "protect[ing] myself from dirt and other contaminents commonly found on the earth's surface". All I can say is... wow.

Now, I know what you MUST be thinking--there is no way that this sort of perfection can be cheap, right? If you order now, you can purchase this for only 2,500 Canadian dollars! Unfortunately, our exchange rate has taken a beating lately (seriously? Canadian dollars are worth more than US dollars? Who should we be speaking to about this?). But, don't let a shabby exchange rate stop you. Just watch the video below--and let that be your guide.

The Bike Forest Video Extraordinaire

Note: if you do end up purchasing this for me, make sure that you "add some bling bling to an already sweet ride with a pair of deuce extreme spinner rims. Fo shizzle." I'm pretty sure that comes on the "Deluxe" model.

Catherine, Comedian or Bum.

I spent some time with Kent and his family over Thanksgiving. We enjoyed a combination of family bonding activities--good food & shopping. After stuffing ourselves silly daily and finding quite a few steal-of-a-deal purchases, we got to the occasionally-discussed topic of what I should do with my life.

Keep in mind that Kent is the oldest child. According to birth order studies, he is the natural leader, take-charge person, and most financially successful sibling. Most Presidents of the US were first borns (including George W. himself)... and while I don't think Kent aspires to any type of political candidacy, he definitely fits the bill of an oldest child.

On the flip side, as the youngest child, I am allegedly the dreamer type who wants to change the world, as well as the most financially irresponsible member of the family. (Apparently, positive net worth isn't necessary to change the world. Good to know.) And, amusingly enough, most famous comedians are youngest children... though I don't consider myself to be a comedian, I am told that I definitely have characteristics of being the youngest child.

Imagine my surprise when, after I expressed disatisfaction with my current social situation, the outcome of that conversation was Kent pointing out that I have no expenses. What follows, of course, is that I should just take a few months off, bum around, live somewhere for free (or cheap), and get into a new and possibly more interesting social situation. After all, I have the rest of my life to work, right? I countered with the argument that I am in my upper 20s and need to concern myself with funding my 401k and doing other adult-like things. I was negated by not only Kent, but also his wife, sister in law and brother in law.

So, now I am in the process of considering saving up some money, taking off a few months, and bumming around. I wonder if that's a bad idea. And, uncharacteristically youngest child of me, I wonder if I can handle that decision that seems to be so irresponsible. I suppose you only get to be young and free once, right?

Gobble gobble

Following up from that bad-attitude-Halloween post, I figure I should probably spread a little holiday cheer. I actually like holidays... despite my family's opposition to celebrating them. Who doesn't like the combination of fat happies, family time, presents, and paid time off work?

This past weekend, in order to fully demonstrate our above-mentioned holiday cheer, we created a small turkey army. The process was intense, and some turkeys had to be incubated in the fridge for a long period of time in order to survive. This problem was compounded by the fact that there was melted chocolate EVERYWHERE. I am sad to report that all turkeys weren't so lucky--a few of the turkeys got into a battle, which resulted in a fatality. (See picture, left)

As for the fate of the remaining 40+ members of the turkey army: half were consumed at our ward Thanksgiving party, and the other half will be consumed by Chantal's family on Thanksgiving. Barbarians.

To punish and enslave...

In theory, cops should be patrolling roads to make the world a safer place. Isn't their duty to protect and to serve or something? Shouldn't cops be targeting dangerous drivers and people who cause accidents? Even better, shouldn't they actually be helping people? Or arresting criminals? Apparently, small town cops don't seem to understand these principles.

I've been pulled over twice in my life, which has led to two tickets both graciously written out for me by Heber cops. They are the bane of my existence.

Two years ago, I was commuting to Park City to meet with my boss--during that commute, I got pulled over for the first time ever coming out of Heber in a speed trap. The entire canyon was 65, except for the 2 mile stretch coming out of Heber. Tricky. I got clocked going 69. Once I started driving with my $100+ ticket in tow, it was less than 100 feet from where I was stopped to the sign that increased the speed out of the speed trap from 55 to 65. So lame.

Fast forward to a couple days ago. A great deal of construction has recently been completed in the canyon that allows me to travel from Provo to Park City. The old two lane highway has turned into a wide, four lane highway with cement poured along the mountain to prevent rockslides and a concrete median in many places. Theoretically, this construction has made the canyon road a much safer place to drive, correct? Unfortunately, as construction was completed, the Grand Powers That Be decided to DECREASE the speed limit in the canyon to fifty. Fifty miles per hour on a not-too-frequently traveled, four lane wide highway road. Ridiculous.

Two days ago I was apparently clocked at 67 mph coming down a large hill in the canyon on my way back to Provo with no other cars in sight. The highest my speedometer read during that descent was 62 mph. Strange. Additionally, may I please make the argument that 62 mph with no other cars around me on a wide, four lane highway is totally reasonable? And, are you kidding me with the 50 mph speed limit?

In any case, I discussed the situation with a couple of my coworkers the next morning. They laughed, told me not to try to go to traffic school, and to just consider the ticket to be a tax/toll/revenue and a necessary part of using the canyon road. For the record, I object. Additionally, I think that Heber cops are total weasels, since their only task is to park in dark and wide-open areas, lobby to lower the speed limit in the canyon, and pull unsuspecting commuters over.

The Transformers bad cop car is pictured above--enlarged, the back of it says "to punish and enslave..." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Weekend delights and fat happies

This past weekend was a delight... and filled with fat happies and Nintendo thumb/shoulder/ wrist/arm™. For all those within the sound of my "voice", check out the following recommendations:

1. Shabu. Park City, Utah. The silly website programmers created an all-flash site, which makes it impossible for me to post the very pretty logo of the restaurant. The freestyle sea bass was amazing, as was the 5 spice white chocolate shabu shabu dessert. That meal in and of itself was almost worth the drive up, even factoring in my dire hatred of driving. AND, even though I then drove home to Provo and made myself another meal at 10pm because the portions were clearly insufficient to satisfy my ravaging appetite, it was totally worth it.

2. Happy Sumo Sushi. Provo, Utah. I have been to Happy Sumo a number of times. I went on temporary strike and cursed their name when they changed their Surf & Turf roll from steak and tempura shrimp to steak and crab [talk about a weasly cost saving mechanism. Hello, you're charging me $12.95 for a tiny roll of sushi... spring for the single fried shrimp]. On Saturday, however, I took a major plunge. I decided to not try to spend a reasonable amount of money and leave the restaurant hungry, but instead to get what I actually wanted. [Heather... I credit you with the assist in making this decision]. The Ahi tuna dinner, which I just happened to discover on Saturday, is delicious... and, dare I say, pretty reasonably priced. The Sunset Roll (on Shiloh's suggestion) was also tasty... and Wendy was kind enough to let me sample her Agedashi tofu appetizer. Little bits of fried tofu swimming in a pool of tempura dipping sauce and sprinkled with green onions? Yes, please!

3. Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Provo, Utah. The picture above does NOT do these apples justice. Three words--Apple Pie Apple. Long ago on a cheery winter day, Chantal happened upon these RMCF apples. I thought they were a rip off, until I had one piece... immediately, my taste buds started firing and my mind started dreaming of rainbows and Care Bears. Both Wendy and Heather doubted our suggestion to get the apples for dessert. After they tasted the goodness, however, they strongly regretted purchasing only one and sharing the coveted apple. [That'll teach people to not fully trust my food suggestions].

4. Kneaders. Lindon, Utah. All you can eat freshly-baked cinnamon french toast for $4.95. Oh, also, the accompanying "syrup"? Yeah, it's caramel. How can you go wrong with that?

And, moving onto the Nintendo thumb/shoulder/wrist/arm™ phenomenon:

5. Guitar Hero III. This game for the Nintendo Wii is the awesomest game ever. There were about 10 people at our house on Saturday night watching some real life metal rocker dude conquer the game on Expert level. He's a real life hero. Oh, and if I do say so myself, I have committed myself to conquering the game, and I'm doing pretty well. All those years of violin and piano practice have given me a much-needed edge. Warning: Extended play will cause serious Nintendo shoulder/wrist/arm strain.

6. Super Mario Bros. 3. Not to be outdone by new, fancy technology, I downloaded this game onto my Nintendo Wii. Many hours have been spent in a frog, racoon, and hammer man suit. If anyone can tell me how to get back to the boards where I can kick the goomba out of the green stocking shoe, then travel around in said shoe, I will be eternally greatful. Warning: Intense play has caused really painful Nintendo thumb.

As bad as Brit

I have road rage. It's true. I used to yell at my brother for the same tendencies. Whenever a car around him did something stupid or cut him off, he would yell. I would attempt to point out that my brother's yelling affected only him and me (and other passengers in the car), while not affecting the offending party who cut us off. My pleas always fell on deaf ears.

Over the past few years, however, I have started to mimic my brother's bad habits. I'd like to say that I'm as a patient as the next guy [well, girl]... but when people (1) drive 65 in the fast lane or carpool lane, (2) don't signal, (3) cause you to drop 50 mph for unnecessary breaking during traffic hour [Oh no! Look! Some conjestion! Better jam on the breaks!] and then immediately accelerate to initial speed, (4) cut you off and then drive slowly, (5) never look in their rearview mirror etc., I'll admit--there is usually yelling.

Wendy and I recently drove to Salt Lake City together. On the way there, a number of the aforementoined incidents occurred. As a result, we were already on edge during our drive home.

During that drive, we managed to squeeze by an Expedition which was raised to a possibly illegal height with a driver who couldn't manage to keep all four wheels within the boundaries of one lane. For the record, I believe that anyone who defiles their car by raising it, putting lights underneath it or otherwise "souping it up" should actually be able to drive said car with some degree of skill. I know, I know. I ask for too much.

In any case, after passing that Expedition, we were then cut off by a Corolla, which caused Wendy to jam on her breaks and decrease her speed by 10mph while she was driving in the fast lane. Wendy and I proceeded to say "are you KIDDING me?" to each other in concert, after which Wendy zoomed around the Corolla. I managed to give the Corolla driver the look of death, after which Wendy retook her spot in front of the offending Corolla in the fast lane.

I realized when I looked at the driver and passenger in the Corolla, however, that both individuals were male with short haircuts, and were clad in white shirts, ties, and suits. While I didn't have enough time during the "death glare" to glance down at the guys' pockets and confirm their identity, all evidence (including the sheepish grin of the driver) points to the fact that we had just whizzed by and applied the death glare to two missionaries.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell as a result. Unfortunately, I still don't think I've learned my lesson. I'm assuming Wendy hasn't either--after I told her that missionaries were driving the Corolla, she responded, "well, they have to learn too!" I own the road, don't I?

Strike... Strike... Strike... Strike...

I'm sure you've probably heard that the Writer's Guild is going on strike. Maybe the poor writers who have destroyed House will stay on strike... FOREVER! One can only hope, right? Regardless, one of my buddies who works at a network television station received this well-thought out email. Since this email was probably composed by an attorney, I have provided a translated version of each paragraph for your convenience.

"Please be advised that The Writers Guild of America will be conducting a large strike rally with between 2-4,000 participants outside the Studio on Friday, November 9 from 10:00AM until 12:30 PM. Rallies such as this are considered normal when a union is on strike. We anticipate the WGA will continue hosting rallies such as this at other studio locations in the weeks to come."

Translation: When dealing with riotous masses, realize that said riots are normal, and of course, expect more riots.

"If there are large gatherings of people around Lot or Plaza entrance gates, please remain calm and courteous as you enter the facility. We fully expect entrances to remain open, however, carpooling is highly encouraged due to potential traffic concerns."

Translation: Remain calm and courteous among yelling mobs, and try really hard to get to work even though mobs are filling the streets. Oh, additionally, travel in numbers for "convenience" (not protection, of course).

"If you are blocked from entering the Studio Lot, or if you feel threatened, do not attempt to enter and call Security for assistance."

Translation: If you are caught up in a swell of mobs or protestors, remain in said mob. Use your handy-dandy cell phone to call 555-rent-a-cop to "protect" you from screaming mob after being threatened.

"Please remember that only authorized spokespersons may provide public statements about Company matters, or may initiate contact with members of the media about network matters. If you are contacted by any member of the press, you must immediately refer that individual to [name edited] in Corporate Communications."

Translation: Above all, DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE.

Here is a quote from a great book that relates very well to the above email... "and I saw them gathered together in multitudes; and I saw wars and rumors of wars among them; and in wars and rumors of wars I saw many generations pass away." Eep. Glad I don't live in Southern California.

Luckily, I live in Utah, where the following comic accurately represents my daily routine:

Tagged

I've been tagged. I'm not really sure that I understand the purpose behind this whole "tagging" business. I also realize that responding to said tag cuts against my whole "don't disclose any personal information over the world wide web that isn't merely limited to sarcastic or painful stories" mantra. Nonetheless, I will do my best, Queen Lyndsay.

What is the best thing you cooked last week?
Chicken pesto pasta with artichoke hearts [thanks Shiloh].

If money, time and babysitting were no object, where would you go and who would you go with?
Well, given that I have no children who require babysitting, a reasonably relaxed job, and the delusion that I have a bit of money in my bank account, I'll consider this a realistic question. Answer: Taiwan [with an undetermined travel buddy] or Europe, more specifically, Italy [subject to Chantal and Karen agreement].

When was the last time you cried?
A more difficult question would be--when was the last time I got through a day without crying? Man. I can't remember. So many things make me cry... happiness, sadness, pain, excitement... but to answer the question, I'll say right now. Writing posts really brings out the emotion in me.

What are 5 things you were doing this month 10 years ago?
1. Swearing at ETS for miscalculating my SAT score
2. Shoveling wet, foot-deep snow off my driveway
3. Playing a field hockey tournament game in hail with kitty litter on the ground to "dry out the field"
4. Auditioning for a state orchestra and probably crying after the completion of the audition [see previous question]
5. Attending early morning seminary as the sole student in frigid morning weather

What are 5 things on your to do list today?
1. Attend the BYU basketball game
2. Eat Dippin' Dots and/or cotton candy
3. Play guitar hero and defeat the undefeatable "hard" songs
4. Answer entirely too many legal questions about statutes and contracts
5. Catch up on what I missed on Monday's episode of "The Hills"

What are your 5 favorite snacks?
1. Twix
2. Cheetos or any other processed cheesy snack
3. Yellow fruit snacks (taken from the little pouches of generic branded fruit snacks only)
4. Chips + salsa
5. Edamame

What are 5 bad habits you have?
1. Online shopping
2. Not blinking whilst playing Guitar Hero or other video games
3. Regularly misspelling shoes [shews], music [musak], with [wif], and birthday [birfday]
4. "Dancing" while listening to teeny bopper music
5. Grinding my teeth while I sleep [This habit isn't actually confirmed. But, my jaw has been kind of sore over the past few days, and this may be the culprit.]

What are your 5 favorite foods?
1. Prime rib
2. Costa Azul steak salad
3. Sushi
4. Creme brulee
5. Ice cream
[editorial: I should probably be obese]

Where are 5 places you have been?
I'm assuming we're talking locations here...
1. Taiwan
2. Hong Kong
3. Mexico
4. Canada
5. The EC

What are 5 of your favorite memories?
1. Collapsing from exhaustion after assisting a teammate score in double overtime of a tourney game... then getting piled on by teammates
2. Enjoying the look on my brother's face when he was forced to eat a second mini-sized full squid [complete with eyeballs, ink, innards, etc.] because none of the relatives saw him eat one the first time
3. Watching Chen Qiu Man get baptized on the last day of my mission in Taiwan, a week after her mom and brother
4. Leaving my hot chocolate by my bedside the first night home from my mission, knowing that I would find it the next morning without any dead, floating bugs
5. Zipping through the jungle on the "canopy tour, on crack", relaxing on the beach and/or poolside, sipping pina coladas, and getting a wicked tan in Mexico after taking the Utah bar

[Lyndsay, I hope you don't mind--I adjusted some of the questions. Didn't you learn anything about parallelism from Stoddard?] Now, to share in this joy... let me tag the following: Shiloh, Nicole, Jeff, Paige, and Pattie. To the rest of my friends--start blogging!

I'm totally a fraud.

For all of those [including myself] who were momentarily fooled by my pretty red work bag, let me now make it crystal clear for the record that I, in fact, am an embarassment of a "professional".

I was sitting in my office on Friday when the VP of People called my boss into the CFO's office. I could hear the CEO of the company join on the speakerphone, where I knew he was joining the COO, VP of People, CFO, his assistant, and my boss via phone. I figured there was a serious employment decision going on, and I hoped I wasn't in the process of being fired. Moments later, the assistant came and got me and indicated that the group needed my expertise on a recent deal that we had been trying to get out of. I grabbed my computer and headed into the room.

The CEO then said, "Catherine, we need you to chime in on this--we need your expertise here. Apparently, this [client's name] deal won't die. We've spoken with the executives over there, and they say it allegedly has something to do with your recent swearing in and admission to the bar." I was confused momentarily, but my confusion turned to pure embarassment and horror when our entire executive team started singing "for she's a jolly good fellow..." I felt my face turn BRIGHT red, my hands came to my cheeks, and all I could do was look down and laugh while saying "Wow. I am SO embarassed."

The COO gestured to a present sitting on the desk. After my seranade was over, I took the gift and tried to escape from the room, but the VP told me that I needed to open the present in front of everyone. I opened it--and it was a beautiful Mont Blanc pen with leather case that all of the people in the room had pitched in as a congratulations-for-being-sworn-in present [I'll be honest... I don't quite understand the appeal of a $200+ ball point pen... but the thought behind it was so nice. And hey, now I have a hoity toity pen. Rock on.] The assistant then pointed me to the card, and I said--thanks guys, that is so nice of you! I proceeded to grab my computer and leave the room quickly. As I left, I heard people laughing and saying "she's so funny", as to guise their true "what the crap is she running away from" feelings of confusion. In my defense, until I saw everyone filtering out of the room, shortly after I left, I was still under the impression that they were HAVING the business meeting. Apparently, my little artificially-cut-short-surprise WAS the "meeting". Oops.

The VP then came into my office to congratulate me, and laughingly suggested that next time anything like this happened, they should just line up outside of my office and individually come in, shake my hand, and congratulate me. Have I mentioned how embarassed I am? Oh, if only I could go back in time...

I have no problem arguing a point, presenting a theory, or defending a position. Public applause and compliments, however, apparently merit sincere fear and cause an uncontrollable flight response.

Attorneys. We pretty much rule the world.

I have been sworn in... I am officially an attorney.

Wendy came with me to the "swearing in ceremony" to function as my Asian mom--which means that she kept repeating: "I so ploud of you. You be best lawyer! You be numma one! No numma two! Jus numma one!" How nice.

The ceremony, for those interested, was delightfully entertaining. Since I was blessed to sit admist all of the dark suit jackets, Wendy and I didn't get to sit next to each other. And, it's a good thing we didn't, because that may have caused an immediate character/fitness sanction. Apparently, both of us were individually laughing quite a bit through the whole thing... if we had been sitting next to each other, there is a good chance our laughing would have amplified.

During one part of the ceremony, each new admittee stood up individually when our name was read; after everyone's name was read, we all stood in the middle of the banquet hall at the Salt Palace while the rest of the room applauded us. And, as if that wasn't enough, we were then directed to "follow tradition" by turning outward, and applauding all those who helped us achieve this monumental accomplishment. Seriously? I'm sorry, did we all just conquer the universe or something?
Luckily, I did at least come out of the grand occasion with a good soundbyte. Background: my family has two doctors, a dentist, and an attorney. People always ask me why I didn't choose to go into the medical profession, and I respond by saying that I can't handle blood [see "Don't Try This At Home" post]. However, what everyone fails to realize is that I, in fact, chose the much more noble and accomplished profession. So, to all those doctors out there... please pay attention to the following, as stated by Chief Justice Durham:

"While YOUR predecessors were still treating people with cobwebs and leeches, MY predecessors were writing the Declaration of Independence."

And the truth shall set you free.