Hi! I'm your friendly librarian! I have the IQ of a rat.

Ok, I admit that title is a little harsh. Please suspend judgment until you've heard the whole story.

First, let me ask you--what do you think of when you hear the word "library"? Nice AC... shelves of books... free movies... little desks with internet hookups... free computers... all good things, right? Sadly, my good opinion of the local library has taken a serious turn for the worse today due to a little run in with a library minion, or "L" for short.

C: Can i check these out? I forgot my card.

L: Sure... do you have ID on you?

C: Yes. Right here.

L: Ok. Hmm. Did you apply for a card online?

C: No. I came in and got one.

L: Hmm. I'm just trying to figure out which one of these is you.

C: Can i see your computer screen?

[Note: There was only one person with my name on the entire screen. She could read my license, right? Take the high road, Catherine, take the high road.]

(Pointing to the only name that matched mine on the screen...) It's probably that one.

L: But if that were you, you would have had to apply online. Did you apply online?

C: N-O.

L: Hmm.

C: Can you pull up additional information about that account?

L: Yes. [click click. click.]

C: [foot tapping]

L: [click click. click.]

Oh here it is.

C: Yeah, that's me.

L: Really?

C: Yes.

L: So this is your information? Your address?

C: Y-E-S.

L: Well this account would have had to be set up online.

C: I did not set my account up online.

L: Hmm.

C: In any case, that's my account. Can i check out these books?

L: Well... if you set up your account online, you wouldn't have a card. You would sign up online, and then we would give you a card the first time you came in.

C: Well, I have a card. and I didn't set my account up online. It did expire at one point, so I had to call in when I couldn't log in to see my account from my computer at home, and someone at the library reactivated my account so I could log in.

L: Yeah, that wouldn't count as it being set up online.

C: Well, that bar code there... can you use that to check me out my books?

L: No. That bar code... yeah, that's not the same as your account number. I can't use that. You will need to bring in your card. I can put the books on hold for you for three days, though.

C: I live across town--coming back in the next couple days is going to be a hassle. Since you say your system doesn't show that I have a card, can you just give me a new card to use?

L: No, because if you already have a card, it will cost you $2 for a replacement card.

C: Let me get this straight. Your system shows that I somehow set up my account online, so I don't have a card. If that's the case, I'd have to come in and get a new card from you. But, since I told you I have a card at home, you won't give me a new card?'

L: Um... right.

C: THAT MAKES SENSE. THANKS, BYE.

Seriously? In any case, despite the run in with Madame L, I hit four different locations around town, saved a bunch of gas, and picked up the following items that nicely fit into my trusty dusty Camelback:

1. 4 packages of Udon (Who would can live without ready-to-make Japanese soupy noodles?),

2. A free Trek water bottle (Thanks, Starving Student Card),

3. 3 hard cover books (Weaseled out of the library by using Chantal's card. Take that, L.),

4. A head of napa cabbage (Why not?), and

5. Keys to my new bike lock.

All in all, I'd consider the afternoon expedition a success.