Hi! I'm your friendly librarian! I have the IQ of a rat.

Ok, I admit that title is a little harsh. Please suspend judgment until you've heard the whole story.

First, let me ask you--what do you think of when you hear the word "library"? Nice AC... shelves of books... free movies... little desks with internet hookups... free computers... all good things, right? Sadly, my good opinion of the local library has taken a serious turn for the worse today due to a little run in with a library minion, or "L" for short.

C: Can i check these out? I forgot my card.

L: Sure... do you have ID on you?

C: Yes. Right here.

L: Ok. Hmm. Did you apply for a card online?

C: No. I came in and got one.

L: Hmm. I'm just trying to figure out which one of these is you.

C: Can i see your computer screen?

[Note: There was only one person with my name on the entire screen. She could read my license, right? Take the high road, Catherine, take the high road.]

(Pointing to the only name that matched mine on the screen...) It's probably that one.

L: But if that were you, you would have had to apply online. Did you apply online?

C: N-O.

L: Hmm.

C: Can you pull up additional information about that account?

L: Yes. [click click. click.]

C: [foot tapping]

L: [click click. click.]

Oh here it is.

C: Yeah, that's me.

L: Really?

C: Yes.

L: So this is your information? Your address?

C: Y-E-S.

L: Well this account would have had to be set up online.

C: I did not set my account up online.

L: Hmm.

C: In any case, that's my account. Can i check out these books?

L: Well... if you set up your account online, you wouldn't have a card. You would sign up online, and then we would give you a card the first time you came in.

C: Well, I have a card. and I didn't set my account up online. It did expire at one point, so I had to call in when I couldn't log in to see my account from my computer at home, and someone at the library reactivated my account so I could log in.

L: Yeah, that wouldn't count as it being set up online.

C: Well, that bar code there... can you use that to check me out my books?

L: No. That bar code... yeah, that's not the same as your account number. I can't use that. You will need to bring in your card. I can put the books on hold for you for three days, though.

C: I live across town--coming back in the next couple days is going to be a hassle. Since you say your system doesn't show that I have a card, can you just give me a new card to use?

L: No, because if you already have a card, it will cost you $2 for a replacement card.

C: Let me get this straight. Your system shows that I somehow set up my account online, so I don't have a card. If that's the case, I'd have to come in and get a new card from you. But, since I told you I have a card at home, you won't give me a new card?'

L: Um... right.

C: THAT MAKES SENSE. THANKS, BYE.

Seriously? In any case, despite the run in with Madame L, I hit four different locations around town, saved a bunch of gas, and picked up the following items that nicely fit into my trusty dusty Camelback:

1. 4 packages of Udon (Who would can live without ready-to-make Japanese soupy noodles?),

2. A free Trek water bottle (Thanks, Starving Student Card),

3. 3 hard cover books (Weaseled out of the library by using Chantal's card. Take that, L.),

4. A head of napa cabbage (Why not?), and

5. Keys to my new bike lock.

All in all, I'd consider the afternoon expedition a success.

Blockity block block

Some of you might know that instant messaging is my primary form of communication with the outside world. Who am I kidding? Anyone reading this blog should know that. [I really did mean to pick up your call last time... it just shot to voice mail so fast... and then the message got erased... and I had no idea you wanted me to call you back... stammer stammer...]

In any case, I was at work today, dutifully minding my own business when an instant message popped up. Note that I pride myself on not adding random friends to my Facebook friends list or chatting lists... and I've been known to block a person or two in the past (oopsie).

Stephanie says:
hi!!

Catherine says:
hi

[I held myself back from responding in the same very excited, double-exclamation mark form I was greeted with. It was a conscious decision.]

Stephanie says:
how are you?!

Catherine says:
good... you?

[At this point... I'm searching through my contact list to see if I can find any "Stephanie" or person at the listed email address. No dice.]

Stephanie says:
good!
ehh i'm alright

[Uh... am I supposed to ask her why she's just alright after that hearty greeting? Am I supposed to continue on to try to figure out who the heck Stephanie is?]

Stephanie says:
is that your new car??

Catherine says:
yup.

[Uh... is this person stalking me? Did I just disclose too much information? My license plate isn't shown in my profile picture, is it?]

Catherine says:
where are you now and what are you doing?

[In other words, who the crap are you, and why are you talking to me?]

Stephanie says:
awesome!

Stephanie says:
meeee

[What? Are we starting to speak like horses? I'm pretty sure that horses say "neeiiigghhh," not "meee".]

Stephanie says:
i'm still in stinky hot tucson, i'm @ home, & searching for a job! what about you??

[Ok. May day, may day. I really don't know anyone in Tucson. It's time to take drastic measures. Be bold, Catherine. Be bold.]

Catherine says:
haha, i'm sorry... but i don't think you are the stephanie i was thinking. how do i know you?

Stephanie says:
ahahahahahha

Stephanie says:
its stephanie espinoza

Stephanie says:
youre catherine green? right?

Catherine says:
still not ringing a bell

Stephanie says:
from cross middle school.

Catherine says:
haha no

Catherine says:
sorry

Stephanie says:
your last name isnt green?

[Are you a doofus? I just said it wasn't, and hello, my email address listed here on the chat window lists my last name... which is not Green.]

Stephanie says:
ahaha

Catherine says:
nope

Stephanie says:
ok

Stephanie says:
sorry

Catherine says:
sorry!

[Stranger, I assume politeness and obligatory apologies are appropriate here, even though you started chatting with me. I'll even add an exclamation point for good measure.]

Stephanie says:
haha its ok

Stephanie says:
idk how i got your email

Catherine says:
bye!

Stephanie says:
weird ok well peace

[Result: BLOCK. And another one bites the dust.]

As a sidenote, my settings are such that I should have to approve anyone who wants to chat with me before allowing them to IM me. Where was the breakdown here? Mr. Gates, will you please resume your post and fix my MSN troubles? Do you really think that starving children and health epidemics are more worth your time?

It's not your momma's trail.

South Fork of Provo Canyon = Nemesis

Paige (my semi-sister-in-law and then-roommate) took me on my first mountain bike ride about 4 years ago, shortly after completing her spring term mountain biking class at BYU.

Let's review.

Paige: buff, nicknamed "thoroughbred" (like a horse that can run and jump at super-human levels), and at one of the many peaks in her fitness level after recently completing an advanced mountain biking class at BYU.

Catherine: out of shape, working at least 55 hours a week, and mountain biking for the first time.

As you might have guessed, despite my fiercly competitive spirit, I gave up from heat exhaustion and general body death around mile 1.5. Since that fateful afternoon four years ago, I have attacked that same trail about 4 times... only to be turned back around somewhere in the middle of the trail out of exhaustion as the mountain laughs in the background.

One request: before you decide that I'm a pathetic loser, check out the trail description at utahmountainbiking.com, Utah Valley Trails, Windy Pass Trail. Among the highlights:

"Starting at 5700 feet altitude, you'll climb 3300 vertical feet to the pass. Out-and-back, it's 13 miles round trip. Because of narrow trail, loose rock, and injury potential, I'm rating this trail advanced technical, very strenuous aerobic."

"This is not an easy trail. I'd reserve this trail for an advanced rider (with good rock-surfing control) who's looking for a climbing challenge. If that's you, go for it."

"It's not your Momma's trail."

Despite this being advanced technical, strenuous, a climbing challenge and... all on all... not my momma's trail, Chantal and I attacked the mountain late last week as our first attempt to conquer it this season. [Note: the picture above does not come close to doing justice to the steepness of that section of the trail]. Shockingly, the result was a success, despite the fact that our success was tainted by the billion wormie guys along the trail who descended from the trees surrounding us. Chantal might not have classified the ride as a success, as she had to jam on her breaks, scream, and stop to try to get all the cobwebs and worms out of her face and off her body more than once during our descent. The picture above and to the right is of Chantal's handlebars after most of the cobwebs and all of the little worm guys were removed during a break in the descent.

Personally, I maintain that a tainted success is a success nonetheless. South Fork, take THAT!

Waffles, Wiffs, and Wii

I was given the option to start working part-time this week at my company. Two words for you: WOO HOO! In the poetic words of Ross, "I will take it."

Yesterday was my first day off, and the following was my "agenda":

10:00: Roll out of bed.

10:00-11:00: Make and consume Williams & Sonoma waffles in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head.

11:00-11:30: Drive through Trapper's Loop to a mountain biking trail called "Green Lake."

11:30-12:45: Take "Green Lake" by storm, cruising for 3 miles of steady uphill. (We would have gone longer, but we ran out of Gatorade.)

12:45-1:15: Shower to remove dirt, mud and chain grease.

1:15-1:45: Eat lunch. (My first Boca Burger... you'd think that a meatless hamburger would be nasty. Result: Surprisingly, not bad.)

1:45-3:30: Drive home.

3:30-7:10: Play Dr. Mario for Wii against random strangers via WiFi connection. (Note: my Mii's name is 'winner'. Could I be any more of a target?) Watch random shows on TLC to "rest" from my difficult morning.

7:10-7:30: Bike over to the church.

7:30-9:00: Play in the ultimate wiffle ball championship. Engage in trash talking after striking out at my first "at bat" (which, for those of you who know me, makes me a really happy camper. I LOVE being bad at sports!). Luckily, I redeemed myself.

9:00-9:30: Visit teach.

9:30-10:30: Watch more Jon and Kate Plus 8, What Not to Wear, and of course, play more Dr. Mario. My score is above 6,000 now. I'm still waiting for you to challenge me.

11:00: Sleep.

There's nothing like a hard day of work, is there?

Speaking of Purple People Eaters...

Meet: The One-Eyed Purple People Eater.

We made this little dude into a rocket for the purpose of blasting him up and across a giant lawn.

Please disregard the fact that I look like I'm twelve, and focus instead on TOEPPE's special features including:

1. One giant green eye, complete with yellow, curled eyelashes. (I tried to put the eyelashes far above his eye where an eyebrow would be, but was told that eyelashes should border the eye. Good to know.)

2. Pink shorts with yellow polka dots. (Note that after this picture was taken, we removed the purple from between the legs of the shorts. We can't have TOEPPE being indecent now, can we.)

3. A single horn, which looked more like a hat than a horn... which was then changed into the horn trifecta pictured here.

Result: Apparently, filling him with water and blowing some type of gas mixture up his bum really makes him fly... because despite his non-aerodynamic shape, he flew quite nicely.

Challenge Extended...

My life has changed for the better.

Enter: Dr. Mario Online Rx for Wii.

While Chantal may have loudly protested the "Chill" soundtrack incessantly blaring through the house as I tried to destroy all the viruses on the screen (for... ahem... hours...), I could not believe my good luck when I discovered that Nintendo has released this upgraded version of Dr. Mario.

I extend a challenge to anyone reading this with a Wii--pay $10, download the game, and let's BATTLE!

Thank YOU, Purple People Eater.

As I chase my 10th and 11th "Kirkland Extra-Strength Non-Asprin Acetaminophen" consumed in the past 4 days with a slice of bbq chicken pizza, I feel a twinge of appreciation that my company recognizes its effect on employees and provides Costco-sized bottles of Tums, Acetominophen, and Aspirin in our break room. There is nothing more comforting than a company that anticipates its employees' needs, right?

iToilet

Can you remember what life was like in the dark ages before the invention of iPods, Zunes (which I hear suck, by the way… go back to your mothership, Microsoft), and no-name mp3 players? I can’t. In fact, I can't remember a time when I started a conversation with a stranger instead of ducking my head down with my proudly-displayed white headphones protruding from my ears.

I am happy to report that the convenience and seclusion afforded by mp3 players has been taken one step further—landing in a bathroom near you.

“Toilet Tunes gives you privacy and ambience in the bathroom automatically using patent pending wireless technology. Toilet Tunes consists of two components, a digital sound machine and a wireless sensor that easily attaches to any toilet. The sensor is waterproof, washable and guaranteed to stay on. The high quality digital sound machine was created by European designer Lukasz Bertolli. It’s* sleek soft lines compliment any bathroom or guest bathroom at home or the office. It offers a choice of music or nature sounds, including Jazz, Latin Guitar, Modern Pop, Ocean Waves, Mountain Stream or Soothing Rain.”

In other words, European-designed privacy and ambiance in the bathroom + listening to the soundtrack from High School Musical while doing my business = a $100 value for only $29.95 + $9.95 shipping and handling?

What a steal of a deal! With THAT kind of a bargain, I will never again be tempted with "facilities" such as those pictured here, located along the hiking trail at Cinque Terra. Using the bathroom without sounds of a mountain stream or soothing rain... why, that's practically barbaric. And, who WOULDN'T want to hear a latin guitar while doing their bi-ness?

*Note to Toilet Tunes copy editor… “it’s” means “it is”.