Baby mops

Following the discussion on First Amendment rights and cyberlaw, let us now turn our focus to child labor laws. This little round-headed Asian child is pretty cute, eh? Unfortunately, cute doesn't pay the bills.

"After the birth of a child there's always the temptation to say 'Yes, it's cute, but what can it do?' Until recently the answer was simply 'lie there and cry', but now babies can be put on the payroll, so to speak, almost as soon as they're born.

Just dress your young one in Baby Mops and set him or her down on any hard wood or tile floor that needs cleaning. You may at first need to get things started by calling to the infant from across the room, but pretty soon they'll be doing it all by themselves.

There's no child exploitation involved. The kid is doing what he does best anyway, crawling. But, with Baby Mops he's also learning responsibility and a healthy work ethic."

Any guesses as to where this magazine comes from? The Engrish is too good to be from an Asian magazine, which makes me to wonder... why is an Asian boy the poster child for child labor?

I value my edumacation

You would think that four years of undergrad and three years of slaving away at law school would be enough to develop a marketable skill set, right? On the contrary, I am informed that the costly, three year education that I endured merely lifted me to a jumping off point. To maintain my certification as an attorney, I have officially been sucked into the world of "Continuing Legal Education" (or "CLE", for those in the know).

I attended a CLE luncheon today on cyberlaw, aka "intellectual property in an online environment". After being entertained by new terms such as typosquatting, cybergripping, and cybersquatting, the speaker presented a case that served as a turning point in the world of cyberlaw.

Peta ["Peta I"], or the "people for the ethical treatment of animals" is a well-known animal protectionist group with over 1.8 million members. As stated by their website, "PETA focuses its attention on the four areas in which the largest numbers of animals suffer the most intensely for the longest periods of time: on factory farms, in laboratories, in the clothing trade, and in the entertainment industry. We also work on a variety of other issues, including the cruel killing of beavers, birds and other "pests," and the abuse of backyard dogs." Peta I proudly pictures Pamela Anderson on its homepage--how could it not be a legitimate organization?

During the course of the valiant quest to conquer those four areas, however, Peta I failed to register the domain name "peta.org". Michael Doughney, sensing a window of opportunity, created a website hosted at peta.org called "People Eating Tasty Animals" ["Peta II"]. Apparently, Peta II endorsed views contrary to the vegetarian, pro-animal and anti-hunting viewpoints of PETA I. Doughney defended himself by explaining that his organization and website should be considered a parody under the First Amendment.

Unfortunately, the judge found that Doughney's use of the Peta mark was commercial, as it prevented visitors from reaching Peta I's website. And, as an unnecessary slap in the face, the court stated clearly that Peta II was not a parody.

I am neither a tree hugger nor a hunter. However, c'mon now--who could say (with a straight face) that Peta II doesn't qualify as a parody?

Break from Blogging

I'm back from my pseudo-break from blogging. After taking a little trip around the world, fighting with jet lag, and returning to work entirely too quickly, I am proud to report that I feel almost human again. Almost.

Here are some highlights from the trip:

Unfortunately, my preference for taking relaxing vacations was trumped by Monica, who likes to see everything she can in the shortest amount of time humanly possible. [Gratefully, however, she did allow us to take some breaks without which I would have d-i-e-d.] In fact, all the walking we did gave me so much exercise that I didn't experience my anticipated 10 pound weight gain. Lest you think my trip was a total waste, I am proud to report that my cheeks did, in fact, get quite a bit chubbier during the course of the week.

At the same time, much of our speed walking/running came in the form of trying to catch trains and busses (and then folding our bodies in a way to allow us to fit in said vehicles). Let the record show that traveling in Taiwan and taking mass transit isn't the most relaxing way to travel--note Monica on the left, smashed in and ducking between people for this photo op. I guess asians do like living (or at least traveling) in small spaces.

YeLiu Geopark, otherwise referred to as the Goblin Valley of the East. Check out the sweet rock formations behind us, which have been formed by years of wind and water erosion. Unfortunately, the excitement of this trip was dampened by two things: (1) the long bus-ride-o-death at unsafe speeds up a windy mountain road, causing carsickness that was repeated on the way down , and (2) the "exit" to the geopark which brought us into a market filled with fish carcasses and other assorted sea-originated products that smelled less than desireable.

Shopping! It has been a long time since I last stepped foot into a Taiwanese supermarket. We loaded up on treats made by Asian and US Manufacturers that are only distributed in Asia including Oreo wafers, peach yogurt mentos, chocolate almonds, cuttlefish chips, buddah milk, spicy pea crackers, mango hi-chews, etc. [Lest those things sound gross, let me reassure you... a large portion of my life revolves around eating. I self-proclaim myself as one with good food taste.] Also, note our cart escalator approaching its exit in the picture to the left.

We then went shopping for electronics (where we would always play the 'pirated or not' game), traditional Chinese clothes (where the salesladies kept trying to convince me that the jackets I was trying on were 3/4 or 4/5 sleeves, either because they were trying to close the sale or sensing my impending doom and shattered self confidence over SO not being Asian-sized), and large original paintings of Asian landscapes.

Shopping at night markets four or five times clearly deserves its own category. At the time we took this picture at the famous Taipei-area Shi Lin market, it was considered 'not busy', as opposed to a couple of hours later when we shoved our way out. Assorted goods purchased at the night market included a Totoro massage/beating stick (a stick with a stuffed Totoro on the top for hitting the sore spots on your back), some personalized leather bracelets, Pumas not sold in the states, and fake le sportsaq bags. I was glad to be accompanied by my mom, who is a MASTER bargainer, though I almost felt bad for the vendors.

EATING! I accumulated a list of about 30 things I needed to eat during my seven day stay in Taiwan. As a result, I stuffed myself daily, and only repeated a meal once--it seemed merited, given the enormous size of the amazing hot pot buffet. I am sad to report, however, that two items on my list--lu wei (random items cooked in broth)and kao rou (BBQ)--were missed during the visit. I passed a number of street vendors selling those items, but as a pansy, I could not get over the clear lack of any sanitation of the carts. Sad. (Shown in the picture is "buddah head fused with pineapple" on the left, and "wax apple" on the right, which my mom calls 'temple fruit' for obvious reasons.)

To close out this report, it seems appropriate to include one of the last pictures I took... in a bathroom stall... at the airport. I apologize that the picture is blurry. However, I turned my camera's flash off so that an unsuspecting bathroom user wouldn't be shocked (and appalled) by a flash going off in a stall. This "emergency pushbutton" was located to the right of the toilet. What is this button for? And, if I may ask, who will be summoned when this emergency button is activated? I suppose I will never know. Tragedy.

So that, my friends, is a brief overview of the events of the past week. My stretched out stomach is grumbling. I'm off to feed the beast.

Creepy Toothpaste

Taiwan is FULL of great things to eat, which may or may not include what is shown in this picture of a fish market near Taipei. Unfortunately, my clandestine picture-taking (as to prevent anyone from chasing me out of the fish market) resulted in a fuzzy picture that doesn't quite give justice to the grandeur of the products. Please note, however, that the gray mounds in blue trays are different types of miniature dried fish, and the red/yellow/orange piles are assorted fish carcasses and parts.

Perhaps these random food products are what gives rise to Taiwan's superior dental hygiene products. Despite the fact that Colgate is an American brand, the toothpaste makers seem to add a little somethinge extra to their Taiwanese product line.

May I please ask, what is the "'Dentist-Like' Ingredient" that creates "smooth & polished teeth"? Given that phrasing, I can only think of a couple of alternatives:

1. Ground up dentists, injected straight into the toothpaste, or

2. Individuals posing as dentists (thereby qualifying them as only Dentist-like), also injected into the toothpaste.

Hmm. I've been using this toothpaste for the past few days. I wonder if the Sweeney Todd-like ingredient is contributing positively to the strength of my pearly whites.

Unveiling

Vote via comment: pretty or not? I haven't decided yet, and I could use some input.

[The good news is that this will be available with two new options: diesel fuel or awd.]

Wheeling and Dealing

I have always been a fan of servicing my car at the dealership. I realize that this choice causes me to pay a price premium for similar services that might be offered elsewhere. However, in my opinion, a dealership is motivated by the incentive to keep your car running well to encourage brand satisfaction and loyal customers, while a random "garage" or "auto body service shop" has an incentive to wreck your car and require it to need more repairs.

Unfortunately, I recently discovered that I need to replace the brake pads on my car. I spoke with the local Honda Dealership regarding this process:

C: "At my last service, you informed me that I need to change my breaks. Can you tell me how much that will cost?"

HD: "It depends--do you have to replace your front brakes or back brakes?"

C: "I don't know--your service report just said I need to replace my brakes. What's the chance that I have to replace both at the same time?"

HD: "Well, that's pretty likely. In total, replacing both the front and back brakes will cost you around $440."

Following this phone call, I called Big O Tires, where my roommate had her car's brake system replaced a couple of years ago.

C: "Can you give me an estimate for replacing my brakes? [Gave car specs]"

BOT: "Do you have to replace your front brakes or back brakes?"

C: "I'm not sure--how likely is it that I have to replace both at the same time?"

BOT: "Not very likely--the front brakes typically wear out faster than the back brakes. If you bring your car in, we can give you an accurate estimate. However, pricing is at $119.95 per axle."

C: "So, that's like... $240 for the whole thing. Are there any taxes?"

BOT: "Just sales tax."

Following Suzanne's advice, I then called the Honda Dealership to see if they could come anywhere close to matching the estimate for brake repair that I received from Big O Tires.

C: "You gave me an estimate, and I also got an estimate from Big O Tires. Is there any way you can match that estimate?"

HD: "Unfortunately, [pause] we can't for brake repair. We're already doing it at a discount."

Really? A discount? Off of what price?

I guess Big O it is.

Diagnosis: too much carving

I finally took the plunge--I dropped $50, strapped on bindings, and let a fiberglass board speed me down a mountain. Thanks to the lessons from Tom, and his and Wendy's patience, I can now carve... again. However, I am now paying for that day-o-fun in the form of a shattered body as exhibited by the following symptoms:

1 - Shredded triceps. Using soap dispenser pumps when washing my hands now takes incredible effort--it takes intense concentration and essentially the weight of my whole arm (instead of a simple flexing of my tricep) to apply enough pressure to get some soap to dispense into my hand.

2 - Penguin walk. Due to the exhaustion of my quadriceps, I cannot lift my feet more than a few inches off of the ground--I therefore walk by shifting my weight from hip to hip and waddling forward.

3 - Immobilized neck. I cannot turn my head from side to side while in a reclined position, nor can I lift it without assistance from my hands.

4 - Red chin. Apparently, the rubbing against the inside of my jacket... as well as the friction caused by sliding across the snowy hill... have created a very raw chin.

5 - Sore bum and knees. Lots of falling. Bruises. Everywhere.

On a positive note, I did not break any bones. I was happy to be sliding down Utah's "greatest snow on Earth" (even face down, head first) instead of icy hills somewhere on the east or west coast.

Let's have three cheers for Utah snow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

*Disclaimer: Picture not representative of actual snowboarding experience.

Fortune (-Fortune) Cookies

Our company ordered in Panda Express for lunch today. I still regret mocking my roommate at BYU during my sophomore year (yes, that's you Jack-ay) for loving Panda Express so much... and then she made me actually try it... and my attitude changed. That MSG-enriched, processed food is pretty good (as long as you're not expecting actual Chinese food).

In any case, I was quite happy to see the big basket of fortune cookies that accompanied our meal when I went to grab my lunch. Sure, associating those cookies with Chinese food isn't quite ethnically correct... but those little cookies sure are tasty.

I'll admit... I grabbed a handful of the cookies... and made off like a little chipmunk from the Purple People Eatery (yes, that is what our CEO named our cafeteria). However, my "fortunes" are making me question my current path in life:

1 - Your mind is filled with new ideas. Make use of them.
2 - Avoid unchallenging occupations--they waste your talents.
3 - A wise lumberjack always has a sharp saw.
4 - A partner can help you in your efforts to get ahead.

I assume that these fortunes dictate the path my life should take, right? The logical conclusion is that I clearly need to stop being a silly attorney and wasting my talents--I must have some awesome ideas for sharpening metal in the deep recesses of my mind, and I think I'm going to jump head first into starting my own tree-cutting business. Anyone want to partner up with me?

To be [a moron] or not to be [a moron].

I choose--to be a literary moron.

Sometimes I wonder if I should hide my many "weaknesses" from the world. However, despite the fact that most of the people around me seem to like [or pretend to like] and understand [or pretend to understand] Shakespeare, I haven't quite decided if my inability to comprehend Shakespeare can be classified a weakness. I'll let you be the judge.

I watched A Midsummer Night's Dream last night--apparently, this Romantic Comedy written sometime in the 1590s might have been considered pretty entertaining if I hadn't been asking myself the following questions:

1. Why can't I understand a word these people are saying?

2. Why do we keep switching between two seemingly unrelated stories--one with some strange love triangle + 1 female castoff in high society, and random dancing fairies in a forest? [Understand that the stage props never changed... and I seriously had no idea how the two stories were connected. As a result of this confusion, I actually thought A Midsummer Night's Dream might be a series of short plays. Turns out I was wrong.]

3. What is so funny about the stupid donkey mask on the dude's head?

Unable to answer the above-mentioned questions, I relegated myself to [rudely] chatting with Lyndsay on my Crackberry by shielding the blinding light from the screen with my program, and covertly trying type with the phone close to my body. I excused this behavior by accepting Lyndsay's offer to send me a summary of the play--thereby justifying the entire conversation by my desire to understand what was happening onstage.

To those of you who understand Shakespeare, I salute you. If I could only be so lucky...

Vote for Mitt's Healthcare Policy. Please?

Warning: the following will not an entertaining blog. Sorry. Gotta speak my mind every once in a while.

I am disturbed by the notion of national health care for a number of reasons.

1. I am selfish and don't want to increase my premium drastically in order to compensate for others' failing health or age. [Talk to me after I've contracted cancer or some other really expensive disease, and I'm sure my opinion will change. I'm not pretending to take the moral high ground here.]

2. I don't believe that nationalizing health care without a solid plan to materially decrease costs will somehow result in a net benefit to anyone but the old and/or unhealthy, whose healthcare costs currently reflect their usage.

3. I lived with socialized healthcare in Taiwan--prescriptions are overprescribed, quality of healthcare is crap, and waiting times are unreasonable.

Recognizing the possibility that one of the current frontrunners in the Democratic race could take the White House soon, I checked out Obama's website for the first time--I vaguely remembered his platform on health insurance being less painful than Hillary's. A portion of his platform on health care follows:

"The Obama plan will create a National Health Insurance Exchange to help individuals who wish to purchase a private insurance plan. The Exchange will act as a watchdog group and help reform the private insurance market by creating rules and standards for participating insurance plans to ensure fairness and to make individual coverage more affordable and accessible. Insurers would have to issue every applicant a policy, and charge fair and stable premiums that will not depend upon health status."

Just because Obama uses buzz words and tries to appeal to our emotions by saying that we'll have similar plans to current government workers and senators doesn't mean that will actually happen. Insurance that is provided for everyone regardless of health status can be classified as "guaranteed issue" insurance, which will inevitably cause privately purchaed premiums to rise. Check out the average premiums in the 5 current guaranteed-issue states including New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Maine, and Vermont, versus individual coverage for the same demographic in other randomly-selected states including California, Utah, and Florida. The difference in monthly premiums is shocking and, to me, unacceptable.

My suggestion would be aligned with Mitt's approach:

Use A Free Market, Federalist Approach To Make Quality, Affordable Health Insurance Available To Every American

1. Deregulate State Markets. Encourage states to eliminate the cumbersome insurance regulations that drive costs up and providers out of the market. [I'm all for making this type of national change. It's called national market competition. I like it].

2. Fix The Tax Code. Level the playing field by making all health care expenses tax deductible, eliminating the special treatment afforded employer-provided health plans. [Why am I encouraged by the tax code to use my company's more expensive insurance instead of similar coverage with a cheaper premium that I can take with me even if I quit my job?]

3. Stop The Free-Riders. Use some of the money currently spent on providing expensive "free care" for the uninsured at emergency rooms to instead help the truly needy buy private insurance. [AMEN. Stop using the expensive ER as your primary care, people.]

4. Reform The Medical Liability System. Institute federal caps on non-economic and punitive damage awards to eliminate frivolous lawsuits and bring an end to the practice of defensive medicine. [Agreed, even though I might be out of a job. Medical malpractice rates are out of control, and let's be honest--lots of people aren't going after "fairness" or "just compensation" in these suits.]

5. Promote Innovation In Medicaid. Give states flexibility to spend their Medicaid dollars in whatever way they find most efficient and effective. [When was flexibility ever a bad thing?]

6. Bring Health Care Into The 21st Century. Improve quality and enhance transparency by introducing the same competitive forces that drive innovation in other sectors of the economy. [Shocking. Look at Lasik eye surgery--because it's not paid for by insurance, free market forces actually operate and drive the price down. Competition is good for the consumer.]

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: "My plan would allow people to purchase private insurance, not government insurance. No government-managed health care and no increase in taxes." (Tim Rohwer, "Romney Visits Bluffs," Council Bluffs Daily Nonpareil, 3/23/07) [Aren't we all about the federal government staying out of our business and regulating the daily course of our lives?]

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: "But we say let's rely on personal responsibility. Help people buy their own private insurance. Get our citizens insured, not with a government takeover, not with new taxes needed, but instead with a free marketbased system that gets all of our citizens in the system. No more free rides." (ABC, Republican Presidential Debate, Des Moines, IA, 8/5/07) [Personal responsibility--a novel concept, instead of paying the government a bunch of money in taxes to take the responsibility for you.]

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: "Conservative principles have the answers for health care. I think I'm going to be able to demonstrate to you today the conservative principles of personal responsibility and free market dynamics and choice and personal care – these kinds of elements allow us to reform health care in such a way that we can solve the problems that America faces in health care without having a government takeover, without having socialized medicine with all its drawbacks and all its weaknesses." (Governor Mitt Romney, Remarks At The Florida Medical Association, 8/24/07) [Amen.]

Think about it. I'm sure there will be people who disagree with me--if I've been misguided, let me know. I'm open to legitimate arguments.

When you can't go snowboarding...

The last time I really went snowboarding was before my mission (yes, friends... 5 years ago). In an effort to actually enjoy the (*^*& snow that has been falling incessantly in Utah, Wendy has gone skiing quite frequently this year. Despite the fact that I bought new boots and bindings at the end of last season and anticipated actually going snowboarding this year, I have still been hesitant to take the plunge by buying an expensive lift ticket, expending a bunch of energy, and tumbling down a mountain.

However, my desire to head up to a ski resort is now renewed due to today's afternoon activity. When you can't go snowboarding... what do you do? You build a ramp in your [very short] front yard, strap on your snowboard... and... go.

[And yes, you do hear me saying... "ahhhh, I'm scared... Nooooo! I'm going to die... Aaaaaaahhhh". Also, notice Wendy's concern for my well being after I crash onto the cement sidewalk. I'm touched.]